(…even if I sometimes feel like one)
This is an Easter inspired post, no really, you know, the whole rising from the dead thing that Jesus had mastered, as reinterpreted through popular media into the whole living dead franchise! (Definitely less tenuous a link than comparing the eclipse and Bonnie Tyler)
1. It’s possible Zombies aren’t a real thing, and that if I were dead that would actually be it.
2. I’m not convinced that human flesh and braaiiinnnsss in particular are all that tasty. It seems sad to lose my carefully developed appreciation of fine culinary experiences like melted cheese and potatoes (here’s to you Swiss cuisine), fiancé-made ginger Mojitos and best of all warm salty popcorn and Galaxy Minstrels combined (do not knock it until you’ve tried it)!
3. It sounds pretty frustrating, we all know Zombies tend to lose much in the way of brain function when they come back to life. Some might say that’s a fair trade off, chance to live again versus decreased intelligence, and there’s definitely truth to the old saying ‘ignorance is bliss’. However, it’s got to be a bit annoying that when there is a nice tasty human hiding in a nearby room, you can’t get at them by just simply using the handle to open the door but instead are forced to smash a window and potentially hurt yourself just for a bite.
4. It seems a shame that rather than loved ones being all excited to see me again after my untimely demise, they instead rush to bash my head in with old records, cricket bats and tubes of metal piping (where do people find those anyway?).
5. If you were one of the first Zombies it’d be cool and novel and trendsetting but then as everyone starts copying you, you’d move from minority to majority and then be less unique and special and no-one would know whether you were one of the originals or a copycat and would continue to try to destroy your brains without giving you any credit for originality.
6. Communication will be so much more difficult when your vocabulary is limited to a range of moans and groans. Future blog posts would be limited to things like ‘grooaann GRRooaaaaaannnnnnn, groan, groANnnn’ and that’d probably be a bit tedious and lose me readers.
7. Personal hygiene really goes out the window. I’ll admit I like the odd day where I don’t have a shower and might bum around in PJs for an entire day every now and then but I really don’t want the whole rotten flesh stench following me around all the time. I’m not sure that even Febreeze could hide that.
8. It sounds quite exhausting, constantly on the move searching for food, having to tear open people to get at their yummy intestines. You never see Zombies sleeping or going out to a nice restaurant where people just bring the food to you, do you?
9. You are constantly being judged negatively. With very few exceptions (not discounting Nicholas Hoult winner ‘Warm Bodies’) zombies are generally cast as the bad guy and no-one living is prepared to give them the time of day (except psychopathic children in The Walking Dead but they aren’t the best endorsers).
10. I’m afraid I might try to eat my cats, which would make me feel bad. Eating the fiancé and other friends and family would be quite bad but trying to munch on the four-legged fluff monsters would be a travesty!
8 thoughts on “Ten reasons I’m glad I’m not a zombie”
Hysterical!! #3 can also be applied to working in the corporate world for over 20 years. I know from personal experience – loss of brain function has been duly noted.
Ha ha! I like that, I knew loss of brain function was a problem in public sector but didn’t realise it was an issue in the corporate sector too! Maybe the Zombie apocalypse has already started but there’s so many brain dead people out there we just haven’t noticed yet
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Yes, I have definitely lost brain cells over the past 20+years.
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Don’t forget Reg Shoe – he was a highly respected member of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch.
I had forgotten Reg Shoe! I’ve been meaning to start reading Discworld novels again, might have to raid your collection when I’m back in the Shire!
6. Communication by grunts and groans? Sure you are talking about Zombies? – sounds more like the as average teenager to me, if my experience was anything to go by.
I think I was more of a sullen 10/11 year old but perfectly charming by the time I hit my teens. Or at least that’s how I remember it
Yep. That’s how I remember it too – well, the sullen 10/11 year old anyway.